The awkward walrus

'I like being a little bit awkward'. These were my sister's words of wisdom, a little while back halfway through dinner when we were having a big catch up, reflecting on recent happenings in our lives. We had a quite a giggle about it - we both recognised that we are good at creating or finding ourselves in awkward situations.

This is not a new revelation though. In my student house at university, it was such a commonly used description that we decided to adopt a new awkward animal (you know, like the awkward turtle). My housemate's boyfriend volunteered that the walrus fitted this role perfectly and from that time on we had many 'walrus-ey' moments. (In fact sometimes I think we made things awkward so we could bring out those tusks!)

When you are with people you don't know so well it can be painfully difficult. When the words slip out and don't quite sound like you thought they would, or you're trying to make small talk and you just sound stupid, or the long pause....

All of us have our different quirks and oddities. Some awkwardness is because you know that a relationship isn't natural. It isn't as you know it could and/should be. Perhaps that's because you simply don't know the person very well, for example it's one of the first times you have met. The guards are up and so a nervous giggle is spilled or you stutter and stumble over words. Some of it is tied up in wanting to come across well to another person. I think pride has a lot to answer for! The need to be accepted raises the stakes and in trying to suppress all of the things you think people won't like an awkward version of you appears at times.

Whatever the reason for 'tusking', I think there are times when awkwardness can be redeemed. What I mean is that when a situation seems beyond repair because of something you have said or done but the other person doesn't let that affect the relationship. When you are with close friends or family the comfort of deep relationship can swallow up the embarrassment quickly leaving you with just funny memories. 

It is more striking though when it is a stranger who acts in this way. As a shy person in a new place there have been a few occasions when I have felt deflated because I think that my words or actions have ruined a possible friendship only to be graciously accepted by the other person despite this. This way in which love is shown is so wonderfully humbling, especially when it is with someone you hardly know. These times are a beautiful glimpse of the way that Jesus Christ sees us and embraces us despite our flaws. His acceptance is even to the point of giving up his life for us!

'This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No-one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.' 1 John 4 vv10-12

Embrace the walrus!

I want to know

We've been reading through Philippians in homegroup recently. We're coming to the end now, but when we were studying chapter 3 we came to a verse which kept playing on my mind. 

'I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.' Phil 3 vv 10-11

The bit that I feel is difficult to get my head round is what it really means to know Christ and the power of his resurrection. Ok, so wanting to know Christ is something that I desire, and have desired since I first came to understand the gospel (and want to desire more than I do). But what does it look like to know him? What does it mean to know the power of his resurrection in my life? I'm not just talking a head knowledge here. I mean, what does it really mean to live like I know the power of Christ's resurrection?

I've pondered this verse over time and chatted to some friends to try and help unpack it a bit. 

Death is the consequence of sin, originating from the fall (Genesis 3). It is what every man deserves and the end of all humanity. Jesus became man (see Phil 2) he lived as one of us, worked as one of us and died as one of us. But he was a man that never sinned. 

Jesus Christ did not deserve death, but in his dying he took upon himself the sin of the whole of humanity. Jesus was forsaken (disowned) by God at the cross and faced His judgement and righteous anger - the anger we deserve. He died, but the grave couldn't hold him. After three days, as Jesus had said before, he rose again. Death did not win, life did.

The power of the resurrection is Jesus Christ conquering sin and overcoming death. It is the rule of Christ in his rightful place at the right hand of God in heaven with all things under him bringing him praise and glory.

It is the power of the resurrection at work in our lives which makes us Christians. It enables us to be assured of the fact that the punishment of our sin has been satisfied and we are no longer enemies of God. And it is also the living hope of our future resurrection - a physical future life under Christ's righteous rule when he returns or our time on earth ends. 

So it is a power known in our past and a hope we have for the future, but knowing Christ and the power of his resurrection is something I think we can see in our lives each day if we are Christians. We see it in each little victory we have over sin. The power of the resurrection is when God's grace breaks into our lives to overcome the power of death (brought by the fall). It is when it is demonstrated in our lives that sin doesn't have the upper hand.

So, for a simple example, I often get cross about small things. Sometimes I feel too tired to wash my dishes, but there are times when the dirty crockery mounts up by the side of the sink and I direct my frustration towards others. I am angry at their laziness or somehow feel I deserve better. It is the power of the resurrection in my life when my attitude is transformed and I want to do the washing up out of love, as a way to serve my housemates.

Isn't wonderful the way in which the resurrection can have power in our lives now? I don't pretend that it is as evident in my life as I would like it to be, but I am so excited about the work God is doing in and through us!

In the patient's chair

As I sat in the waiting room, I looked around at the other people in the same position. 'Did they have butterflies in their stomach like me?'. It surprised me about how anxious I was getting about something that, from the other side, is an everyday occurrence for me. I was waiting to see a doctor. 

Thoughts were running through my head as I collected the important facts I wanted to convey ...how many questions should I ask? Should I mention the paper I have read about the treatment? Will he test my knowledge? Will he expect me to know more than I do? What if he tells me off for not having my blood tests done recently? (Yeah, you can tell I'm medical!).

Although I was distracted by all of this from the corner of my eye I saw a medical student knock on the consultant's door and slip inside. I fought hard against the heartsink feeling, willing myself to remember what it was like to be that (mostly ignored) person sat in the corner soaking in the consultation, dodging  the odd question fired in your direction and hoping to make the most of each short learning opportunity. 

The door opposite me opened and my name was called. He called me Dr. A further flood of thoughts washed through my brain. Ok, so that confirms he knows my identity. I'm an insider on the outside. Nowhere to hide now. My heartbeat was palpable and I took a deep breath, stood up slowly and followed him into his lair.

In a flash it was over. I had been questioned briefly, examined by the student, and then the consultant and then the student again. The treatment option was presented to me and before I knew it I had agreed. 

As I walked back into the waiting room I felt much lighter. It hadn't been so bad after all. 

I'm back in the comfortable chair now, behind the doctor's desk. I have two identities and sometimes the one forgets the other, so I am grateful for reminders such as this to bring me back to the reality of what it is like to be a patient. I may not be able to change the way that the patients in my waiting room feel, but I'd like to become a doctor who can allay those fears once they step into the consultation room.