#sorrynotsorry

I've realised I say sorry a lot.

Often I say it without thinking. It just comes out.

Apart from using it to apologise for something I have done wrong I frequently use it to apologise for myself. Take an example - when I am playing a team sport I will say it in expectation of performing badly.

'I'm sorry I'm not very good at {insert any sport here}'

I then go on to repeatedly apologise for every mis-hit, stray kick and girly throw.

The other common occurrence is when I apologise when I feel as though I am in someone's way even though I there is nothing wrong with what I am doing (e.g. I am getting some vegetables at the supermarket and someone comes along behind me to get some of the same. I am aware that I am keeping them waiting and so apologise for causing a 30 second delay in someone else's day).

It caught my attention recently in an advert using the hashtag #sorrynotsorry. Apparently this is quite a trendy phrase on social media. According to the urban dictionary; 'Sorrynotsorry is a term used by someone usually unhappy with someone because they are thought to have done something wrong. They use this term as if to say "What I did wasn't wrong so sorry, I'm not sorry"'

So why do I so often say sorry in the ways listed above?

I think much of it comes down to approval. I want others to like me. I'm not sorry to them, I'm sorry that they may think badly of me.  I'm saying sorry that I will not/do not meet up to expectations so I can save face. In the case of #sorrynotsorry it's going a step further and making out that the person feeling wronged has no right to think badly of me and I want everyone to know that.

At the root I believe there are two main problems.

Firstly - the belief that 'I' am the most important. It is evidence that my own reputation has become ultimate to me. It is the demonstration of a pre-eminent belief of an entitlement to approval, praise and love from others. In fact it shows more concern about what others think of me than about the people themselves. It's more subtle than showing off about yourself but it's essentially the same thing. The end goal is the same - to be held in high esteem, to be liked. But this is wrong because the perspective is all wrong.   

Secondly it shows a false view of myself. Sometimes I know I am sincerely apologising for myself. I feel ashamed of who I am, my inability to perform and embarrassment for being an annoyance.  Essentially all I do or say is once again influenced by how I think others perceive it.

These two reasons for saying sorry look for worth and value in the wrong places. The truth we find in the gospel liberates us from apologising our way to gaining human acceptance and approval.

We are all created in God's image with different strengths and personalities. We are not meant to be apologising all the time for who we are - this stems from a false understanding of who we are, who God is and of the gospel.*

John Piper helpfully writes that 'the empty craving for the praise of others signals the absence of faith in God's future grace'. We are broken and imperfect people but there is hope for transformation in the gospel (Romans 6:6-11).

In Psalm 139 David expresses his thanks to God - he is fully known by God. Despite this God remains faithful to him and cares deeply for him. In v14 he says;

'I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.'

We should be praying that our souls would be full of what God has done for us in Christ and that this would transform our view of ourselves. This is the remedy for both reasons behind why we inappropriately apologise. When we look through the glasses of the gospel of grace our eyes are lifted from ourselves. As Tim Keller points out in 'The Freedom of self-forgetfulness';

' the essence of gospel-humility is not thinking more of myself or thinking less of myself, it is thinking of myself less.'  

We can have hope that as our regard for Christ grows in grace our understanding of what has been done for us provides ultimate unending satisfaction and meaning and affirmation and the 'need' to say sorry to gain approval will fade.


*(Read Ephesians 1 - we have been chosen and adopted through Christ's work on the cross we actually bring praise to God's glorious grace).