One thing that I find really difficult is to show an attitude of forgiveness to someone who has wronged me when there is no sign of repentance, or if they are unaware of what they have done.
I went on to read an article by RT Kendall in Christianity Today, 'Forgiving the unrepentant' (2005). He said that there are 6 ways that show that we have truly forgiven someone in our hearts:
(1) You do not tell anybody what they did to you (this would be trying to punish the one who hurt you);
(2) you do not try to intimidate them;
(3) you do not let them feel guilty;
(4) you let them save face;
(5) you accept the matter of total forgiveness as a "life sentence"—you have to keep doing it, indefinitely;
(6) you pray that they will be blessed and let off the hook.
This can be summed up by saying that the way that you relate to them, on all levels is not at all influenced by their actions against you.
Reading through that list the first time initially made my toes curl. It felt uncomfortable. If someone has done wrong against me they need to know how much it has hurt me, or at least show remorse and repentance for the pain they have caused. Inbuilt in us we know that sin deserves punishment.
Therefore the kind of forgiveness described above, with or without repentance, is costly.
Essentially by offering this attitude of forgiveness you are deciding not to relate to someone on the basis of what they have done. By not broadcasting how you've been wronged, saving the offender from embarrassment and guilt and even showing your enemies love - in each of these actions- the cost, the hurt, the pain, it stays on you. It doesn't seem fair or right.
Until you look at the bigger picture.
God, in his great mercy and love decided not to relate to us on the basis of what we have done. Even as Jesus was put to death on the cross, in Luke 23v34, he said;
'Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do'
He offered this attitude of forgiveness and then completed this by taking the full debt of our sin upon himself in death. This is far more costly than anything we experience when we are sinned against.
So God's heart is a heart of forgiveness, but he is just and requires repentance for salvation. This is his greatest desire for us. When we do repent he not only forgives us, but he chooses to see us as completely perfect.
We mess this perfection up every day by continuing to fail him in more ways than we realise. But his attitude remains the same, he longs for us to keep running back, to continually yearn for a better relationship - he knows what we've done but he will never stop loving us. He is with us and will work through it with us for good.
When we read in the bible about how to relate to each other we are to always be free from bitterness, vengeance and hatred. We are to love our enemies, to forgive as we have been forgiven. This stands even when we receive no apology, but is a choice we can make, by the work of the Holy Spirit in us, because of what has been done for us.
I won't pretend that having this attitude of forgiveness is easy. But oh that we might understand better the grace we have received, so that this might grow in us. This requires us to pray for a heart of forgiveness and to think about all that has been done for us, giving praise to our infinitely forgiving heavenly Father.
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