Mother's Day

As the sun peaked round the cloud-filled sky, people spilled onto the streets laden with bouquets of flowers and cards to deliver these small tokens of appreciation for their Mums. Yesterday was the national day of celebration and thanks for all mothers, the women who brought us into the world. 


We celebrate their love, their sacrifices, their provision, their generosity and protection. These are the women we go to for hugs and who we need in difficult times. The ones we look to as role models, as our guides to life.

Mothers can provide these things to some extent, but we are still left needing more. We live in a broken world and often mothers and children fall short of our roles. Mother's day can itself be a disappointment. As families spend time together it is tainted by squabbles and hurt. Perhaps it is the pain of memories of mothers or children lost. A pointed reminder of broken families. A day of deferred hope for those wanting to know if they'll ever be a mother. Deeply hurtful for those who know they never will be.

Even if we don't have that mother-child relationship, there is someone who can give us all that we yearn for in that relationship. God provides, perfectly in Jesus, all that a mother provides and so much more.

He is the one who loves perfectly, who gave up everything, even his life, to save us. He provides us with ALL that we need and provides us with a hope that is unshakable. He is the greatest comfort and refuge. He is our perfect, unblemished role model. 

Psalm 100

A psalm. For giving grateful praise.

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth

Worship the Lord with gladness;

Know that the Lord is God.

It is he who made us, and we are his;

We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving

and his courts with praise;

give thanks to him and praise his name.

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;

his faithfulness continues through all generations. 

We read this psalm at church on mother's day to give thanks for the one who gave us our mothers.

Although my relationship with my mother is imperfect, I am so thankful to God for my Mam. A woman who has a tender loving spirit. Who above all loves God and desires to grow in her knowledge and love of him. She is my friend and encourager. She points me to my saviour. So together we give thanks to God for all he has done for us.

Reunion

Last weekend was a wonderful weekend.

I didn't go away very far, just down the road, but it felt like miles from home and that was refreshing. It was for a reunion of some friends from university, some of whom I had not seen for a few years. It was decided that we should go to Sherwood Forest and stay in what they call a 'lodge'. There was a fully equipped kitchen to cook for ourselves and we had a lovely homely space to enjoy each other's company. Despite the time of year the weather was beautiful and we made the most of enjoying the outdoors. It was like a pedestrian-and-bike-only wooden village with lakes scattered with canoes, and trees as far as the eye can see. 

We pedalled round 'dinging' our bells and merrily picking up our conversations where we had left off weeks or months before. We had shared so much of our lives whilst we were at university so it was natural to be back altogether. We could see how each of us had simultaneously changed so much and yet continued to be much the same. We reminisced about old times reliving the joy of what we remember to be carefree times. We once again stayed up late putting the world to rights, sharing our common moans. We retold our jokes, we sang at the top of our voices, we danced around in our pyjamas, just because we could.

Last weekend was a wonderful weekend. 

The search for true beauty

This is a difficult and painful subject to talk about. There are many many women and men who have struggled with these issues. If that is you, I pray that this post may help direct your gaze upwards, to Jesus Christ. Sol Deo Gloria.

I had been asked to be bridesmaid, the chief bridesmaid. It was the first time I had been asked since I had been a flower girl for my Auntie as a child. I was filled with excitement and anticipation. But there was a problem, when I looked in the mirror I did’t like what I saw. I was fat and ugly. Horribly, hugely fat. I was ashamed of how I was, and in that state did not want to follow my friend down the aisle.

To add to this I heard that a good uni friend was also to be a bridesmaid that year. She had talked about dieting and trying to get fitter for the big day. The challenge was there, I had something to compete against. Bring it on.

I love structure and lists. I planned out my week by week exercise regime. Get up at 6am, alternate days of an hour in the gym or a swim. Everything I ate I wrote down, keeping detailed lists of the calorie intake and obsessively setting my threshold lower and lower. Most meals became soup and lunch was a plate of vegetables, with perhaps a ryvita on the side if I was 'good'.

It was satisfying. My clothes were getting looser and I felt healthier. I thrived on comments from others who saw I had lost weight. I compared myself to my slender housemates, jealous that they were pretty and slim seemingly effortlessly. I competed against the other bridesmaid–to-be. It spiralled. The wedding came and went, but a new goal was set. Just to lose a few more pounds, drop another dress size. People started to question if I was ok, but I just shrugged it off.

My life revolved around my image. It was ruling my every waking thought and governed all that I did. This had taken centre stage in my life. I was still read my bible, went to church, even helped to lead the CU but my life was lived to the idol of beauty and Jesus had taken a back seat. I would tell myself it was just for a period of time and then I’d stop.

Rebeca Cygnus source: soulseeds

But I couldn't, I had an obsession verging on an eating disorder. Through the input of loved ones and friends I was helped to see it couldn’t go on. It was a slow road back, complicated by ups and downs. Much to my anger and frustration one friend physically dragged me to see the doctor following a period when I started binging and then locking myself in the bathroom to force myself to vomit the food I had consumed. And I hated myself for it. I resented gaining weight, constantly writing in my diary that I needed to get some discipline back and then I could be thinner again.

I had a tension going on inside. I knew that my attitude was wrong. I knew it wasn't satisfying me. I thought I wanted to please God with my life, but surely I could do that better if I was a thinner, more beautiful person? I was fooling myself that I was in control. I knew I was rebelling and it felt horrible, but I couldn't give up the control. 

It wasn't as straightforward as just getting over that obsession though. Although with support and help my behaviour altered and over time I became healthier again there were other things to take its place; work, exam success, possessions, pride to name but a few. Each had a turn as the most important thing I could use to feel in control. The outward struggle was overcome but the heart pattern remained the same.

It was only when I was pointed to the gospel that I found some release from the grasp of my idols. Tim Keller writes in his book 'Counterfeit Gods' 

'Idolatry is not just a failure to obey God, it is setting the whole heart on something besides God. This cannot be remedied only by repenting that you have an idol, or using willpower to try to live differently. Turning from idols is not less than those two things, but it is also far more. 'Setting the heart and mind on things above' where 'your life is hid with Christ in God' (Colossians 3:1-3) means appreciation, rejoicing and resting in what Jesus has done for you. It entails joyful worship, a sense of God's reality in prayer. Jesus must become more beautiful to your imagination, more attractive to your heart, than your idol. That is what will uproot your counterfeit god.'

As God has graciously revealed the beauty of his Son, and all that he has done, to me I realised the worthlessness of the things that I kept putting my trust in. In beginning to understanding the extent of Jesus' unconditional, unfathomable love for me, whatever I looked like or achieved, I could see that glorying in (finding my worth in) anything other was a waste of time. 

I can't pretend that I'm sorted. I still battle against these idols repeatedly, but I will always have something greater. I can daily remember and rejoice in the Lord Jesus Christ.

Identity

Growing up, being half welsh, there were always some welsh cakes to be found in a tin in the kitchen if you felt peckish. They remind me of some special people; my Mam, my Grandma and some good welsh friends. For an excellent welsh cake, in my books, it has to be a little undercooked in the middle, with plenty of sultanas (and ONLY sultanas, none of the mixed peel or chocolate chips please) and baked on a griddle. Mmmm!

With it being St David's day yesterday I decided to make some in celebration. Making up the mixture is relatively easy. It is the baking which requires time and patience and even then it is hard to get them just right. It was easier to put it off, so I procrastinated for a bit and started to write this.

Identity is what makes us who we are, it is what defines us. Embracing my (half)-welsh identity is something I only do from time to time, like St David's day. It's something that is not always evident and to be honest I wouldn't make a point of telling people about it. Sadly though, much of the time, my true identity is not apparent either. This identity that I'm talking about is as a citizen of a future kingdom, the kingdom of heaven. 

Christians have this identity because the ruler of this heavenly kingdom, Jesus, has enabled us to enter citizenship by coming to earth and providing a way in. He frees us from our failures and enables us to live a life of faith, with a sure hope now and forever. If I truly grasped the greatness of this gift of new identity, how could I hide it?

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes...for in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written 'The righteous shall live by faith'" Romans 1:16-17

Where is your identity?

The awkward walrus

'I like being a little bit awkward'. These were my sister's words of wisdom, a little while back halfway through dinner when we were having a big catch up, reflecting on recent happenings in our lives. We had a quite a giggle about it - we both recognised that we are good at creating or finding ourselves in awkward situations.

This is not a new revelation though. In my student house at university, it was such a commonly used description that we decided to adopt a new awkward animal (you know, like the awkward turtle). My housemate's boyfriend volunteered that the walrus fitted this role perfectly and from that time on we had many 'walrus-ey' moments. (In fact sometimes I think we made things awkward so we could bring out those tusks!)

When you are with people you don't know so well it can be painfully difficult. When the words slip out and don't quite sound like you thought they would, or you're trying to make small talk and you just sound stupid, or the long pause....

All of us have our different quirks and oddities. Some awkwardness is because you know that a relationship isn't natural. It isn't as you know it could and/should be. Perhaps that's because you simply don't know the person very well, for example it's one of the first times you have met. The guards are up and so a nervous giggle is spilled or you stutter and stumble over words. Some of it is tied up in wanting to come across well to another person. I think pride has a lot to answer for! The need to be accepted raises the stakes and in trying to suppress all of the things you think people won't like an awkward version of you appears at times.

Whatever the reason for 'tusking', I think there are times when awkwardness can be redeemed. What I mean is that when a situation seems beyond repair because of something you have said or done but the other person doesn't let that affect the relationship. When you are with close friends or family the comfort of deep relationship can swallow up the embarrassment quickly leaving you with just funny memories. 

It is more striking though when it is a stranger who acts in this way. As a shy person in a new place there have been a few occasions when I have felt deflated because I think that my words or actions have ruined a possible friendship only to be graciously accepted by the other person despite this. This way in which love is shown is so wonderfully humbling, especially when it is with someone you hardly know. These times are a beautiful glimpse of the way that Jesus Christ sees us and embraces us despite our flaws. His acceptance is even to the point of giving up his life for us!

'This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No-one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.' 1 John 4 vv10-12

Embrace the walrus!

I want to know

We've been reading through Philippians in homegroup recently. We're coming to the end now, but when we were studying chapter 3 we came to a verse which kept playing on my mind. 

'I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.' Phil 3 vv 10-11

The bit that I feel is difficult to get my head round is what it really means to know Christ and the power of his resurrection. Ok, so wanting to know Christ is something that I desire, and have desired since I first came to understand the gospel (and want to desire more than I do). But what does it look like to know him? What does it mean to know the power of his resurrection in my life? I'm not just talking a head knowledge here. I mean, what does it really mean to live like I know the power of Christ's resurrection?

I've pondered this verse over time and chatted to some friends to try and help unpack it a bit. 

Death is the consequence of sin, originating from the fall (Genesis 3). It is what every man deserves and the end of all humanity. Jesus became man (see Phil 2) he lived as one of us, worked as one of us and died as one of us. But he was a man that never sinned. 

Jesus Christ did not deserve death, but in his dying he took upon himself the sin of the whole of humanity. Jesus was forsaken (disowned) by God at the cross and faced His judgement and righteous anger - the anger we deserve. He died, but the grave couldn't hold him. After three days, as Jesus had said before, he rose again. Death did not win, life did.

The power of the resurrection is Jesus Christ conquering sin and overcoming death. It is the rule of Christ in his rightful place at the right hand of God in heaven with all things under him bringing him praise and glory.

It is the power of the resurrection at work in our lives which makes us Christians. It enables us to be assured of the fact that the punishment of our sin has been satisfied and we are no longer enemies of God. And it is also the living hope of our future resurrection - a physical future life under Christ's righteous rule when he returns or our time on earth ends. 

So it is a power known in our past and a hope we have for the future, but knowing Christ and the power of his resurrection is something I think we can see in our lives each day if we are Christians. We see it in each little victory we have over sin. The power of the resurrection is when God's grace breaks into our lives to overcome the power of death (brought by the fall). It is when it is demonstrated in our lives that sin doesn't have the upper hand.

So, for a simple example, I often get cross about small things. Sometimes I feel too tired to wash my dishes, but there are times when the dirty crockery mounts up by the side of the sink and I direct my frustration towards others. I am angry at their laziness or somehow feel I deserve better. It is the power of the resurrection in my life when my attitude is transformed and I want to do the washing up out of love, as a way to serve my housemates.

Isn't wonderful the way in which the resurrection can have power in our lives now? I don't pretend that it is as evident in my life as I would like it to be, but I am so excited about the work God is doing in and through us!

In the patient's chair

As I sat in the waiting room, I looked around at the other people in the same position. 'Did they have butterflies in their stomach like me?'. It surprised me about how anxious I was getting about something that, from the other side, is an everyday occurrence for me. I was waiting to see a doctor. 

Thoughts were running through my head as I collected the important facts I wanted to convey ...how many questions should I ask? Should I mention the paper I have read about the treatment? Will he test my knowledge? Will he expect me to know more than I do? What if he tells me off for not having my blood tests done recently? (Yeah, you can tell I'm medical!).

Although I was distracted by all of this from the corner of my eye I saw a medical student knock on the consultant's door and slip inside. I fought hard against the heartsink feeling, willing myself to remember what it was like to be that (mostly ignored) person sat in the corner soaking in the consultation, dodging  the odd question fired in your direction and hoping to make the most of each short learning opportunity. 

The door opposite me opened and my name was called. He called me Dr. A further flood of thoughts washed through my brain. Ok, so that confirms he knows my identity. I'm an insider on the outside. Nowhere to hide now. My heartbeat was palpable and I took a deep breath, stood up slowly and followed him into his lair.

In a flash it was over. I had been questioned briefly, examined by the student, and then the consultant and then the student again. The treatment option was presented to me and before I knew it I had agreed. 

As I walked back into the waiting room I felt much lighter. It hadn't been so bad after all. 

I'm back in the comfortable chair now, behind the doctor's desk. I have two identities and sometimes the one forgets the other, so I am grateful for reminders such as this to bring me back to the reality of what it is like to be a patient. I may not be able to change the way that the patients in my waiting room feel, but I'd like to become a doctor who can allay those fears once they step into the consultation room.